Bended branches Part 1….

Married , 6 years later , two beautiful kids later and I don’t know who the fuck this person is. I’m talking about myself..Not in totality though, I guess I just lost a big part of me . A crucial part of myself . I am here trying to figure out how the hell I got to this point and I realize that to answer this question I may have no choice but to travel back to where it all started….. stay with me….

So its December 2015, I just got married to my best friend ,my God chosen husband . My one and only .I am happy and deeply inlove. To me, there’s no one else that could be perfect for me (I prayed for him) I couldn’t wait to start/continue life with him . I am grateful and my heart is full. I am at peace. I hope you guys can visualize that. I am content and looking forward to sharing our lives and growing individually and together . And boy, with him, life is sweet. The greatest part of it all is praying together. (His name will always come up when I am talking about my religion because in the friendliest of ways, he helped me practice my faith and I will forever remember that but this is a whole story for another day) So praying with him is something different (for me),very spiritual, fulfilling and empowering. I love him soo much. In an instant he had turned into a very important part of me . Being with him, whether it was eating, cooking together , making love, movies ,fasting, chitchat, laughing at his jokes (He is the funniest man in the entire capital we live in. I am not even exaggerating ) I guess what I am trying to say is basically everything we do together means everything and more to me .His occupation comes with a lot of travelling and whenever he has to leave my heart sinks a lil . His absence dulls me, the house feels really empty , clearly his presence is longed for. When I say everything, he is all that . My beloved husband . I was grateful . What more could I have prayed for? God answers prayers folks!

Days pass, weeks, and guess who is pregnant now? A mini us? A little human best friend for life ? We were excited ! A miscarriage happened just after our wedding but this time it felt like it would stay or at least we had hoped . oh and girl, it did!

Life with pregnancy………….to be continued

What we seek

Javalove - The Swinging Poet

We seek happiness
But sorrow seeks us too

We seek love
But sometimes, hatred gets the better of us

We seek truth
But lies won’t seize from the mouth of the trustworthy

We seek trust
BUt betrayal is somewhere in sight

We seek justice
But we are fed with only an abridged version of it

We seek death to the sick
But the healtheir ones die first

We seek power
Only to get drunk by it…
I mean, whatever happened to beer?

We seek good health
But we smoking it away…
One stick at a time…

We wish upon a star
Forgetting to pray to the one who created it

We took the long walk to freedom
And we ain’t free yet

We seek leaders
We got kings and emperors
I mean, we dont love China that much..do we?

We seek wealth in abundance
But how much of it do…

View original post 54 more words

Scared of Loosing it all..

When these kinds of feelings come, I get scared. I’m scared because its terrifying to go back to my old ways…Its scary to imagine, the little light that I had is slowly fading back again. I felt the tranquility en peace, I tasted the faith, but I dont understand, why am I moving….backwards again? Establishing prayers now feels like a routine, you know, a root inn, ah ah it doesnt feel right. My concentration is gone, my energy, drained..Oh ALLAH please help ,me back in this battle, I knew it was not gonna be easy but with Your strength I know I will overcome InshaaALLAH…please guide me Ya ALLAH

Moving Ahead,

I am ready to quit!! I have never been so sure of anything in my life like this. I feel happy about it and that’s a good sign.  Truth is, I’m at that point in my career where I feel stagnant. There’ s no growth, nothing is exciting anymore and most important, I’m not learning anything new. You see, many will argue like “why don’t you make it exciting in your won capacity” or ” why don’t you go out of your way to learn new things” or ” bla bla bla” Truth is, for me to sit down, staring  at my desktop as I type this down, it means, I have been there and this is the saturation point. This is not entirely the reason why I am moving over, No. You see, I don’t want to move on  as a reaction to a bad situation,we all know how it always ends up, an Instance, I get into a relationship just because my ex broke up with me, HONEY, that never works! To be honest, I am really passionate about this idea Ive been concealing in my head for a long time and I believe its the right time for me to make it a reality.I have decided to close my eyes, put my trust in God and move forward. I want different, I want to love again, love what I do and do what I love. I am ready to step out and very much grateful  for the experiences I got.

See, I’ve always wanted to start my own business, I dint know when but this keeps growing in me every single day and I think I have a solid idea for  it. The thing is,  Ive read quite a lot about business for beginners  and the  high rate of failure among startups  and naturally, I always debate with myself  on whether I am really ready top take the plunge. However, these still doesn’t seem to stop my over ambitious dream of letting go of the present and getting ready for the future. It should never stop you.

I have always had this dream of having my own business. At the beginning I was really not so sure on what I wanted to do. However, Overtime, it has been proven beyond doubt that my business venture and success and its failure is centered around Fashion and beauty. Yes.

Lets meet up on my next blog and Ill tell you how all these started 🙂 Until then, always remember to chase your dreams :))

My Prayers struggles..

Ever since I made efforts and took the first step to start praying regularly, Ive had moments when my Iman is extremely high that I love salaah and will always strive to pray on time and there are also those times when I feel completely lost and have to literally drag myself to pray or even worse, when I get lazy and distracted and even forget or postpone my prayers- like now(May Allah lift this burden from us and grant us ease InshaaAllah.

I understand life is a struggle and the battle with our nafs is the greatest jihad ever . At the same time I know that Allah cannot  give us hardships more that that we can bear and with this I get my comfort. As I type, I’m at that point where am really struggling with my Imaan but I’m positive that Allah will make it easy InshaaAllah. What efforts am I trying to put so that He can help me? You see, the problem with us humans , when in times of weakness , We tend to just say with words that Allah will help us or guide us without making even the littlest effort. We hope that we will just sit down and miracles will happen. No brothers and sisters, we need to make even the tiniest of  efforts. So, in the  midst of my  battle, I have tried to talk with people around me who I know will always give words of encouragement and support me in such state.Its always good to surround yourself with people who will help us with our deen.  Ive also tried to watch Islamic inspirational videos and asked Allah for strength as well. Thinking about death, and realizing that this life in this world is temporary and we can go anytime scares me and most of the time it brings me to reality. It might not be much but its a process towards recovery.

Even if you don’t feel like praying and you have to drag yourself to the mat, do it and cry to Allah for His help, to help you defeat the whispers of Shaytaan. I know most people battle with the same thing and I pray that Allah strengthens us in Islam and increase our Imaan so that we can worship Him and do good deeds before our time runs out Inshaalaah. Until then, the struggle continues….

when it hurts too much…

When its okay

, its okay ,

when its not okay, its okay,

when its not not okay, its still okay,

when its not okay its not okay

when its not not okay damn its just too much and its not not okay!

Craving effortless Happiness…

Sometimes I’m over the moon

At times I  sink lower than low

I still don’t comprehend how it all got here

But a small trigger and my world is all dark, black

Though I certainly know the shackles will be offed

I hate what Ive become

Looking in the mirror

what is this that I have become?

In the midst of my joy, Pain always seem to win

But with the new determ I know i will rise

Above the set backs above the rife

For my crave is too deep

of effortless happiness and content

of peace within, subtract the  torrents

I’ know am almost there

As the harder the tests the bigger the reward

So go through pain my little heart

and effortless happiness you shall have

For this is what you must go through

Remember even diamonds must go through pressure

So in the midst of the dark angel focus on the right angle

Trust me, I know what you desire,

Be positive and in the end you shall be a sire…

 

 

A benefit of doubt…Shadows 1

‘Benefit of doubt’ ‘another chance’ ‘last chance’ and so on… Very common in any couples relationship…But when do you exercise this and when does it become too much? Lend me your ears and i will narrate to you my story..

Once upon a time I fell in love with Lamar..He was the only person that made whatever else in life  complete. I was in a little heaven whenever Lamar was around me.. I would die a little whenever he would be away from me.. I would hardly wait until Lamar comes and my whole being would be revived just with the sound of his voice. I had fallen. I was in love. Deeply in love. I was living my dream every single day with Lamar. I looked forward to have Lamar and I observe our prayers together, cook and eat together, laugh and cry together, go out and have fun together, No this was not a dream, I was awake and Yes , that ,was exactly what i was witnessing in my dreams and had the opportunity to live it while it lasted. If i could summarize what was, with the two of us, Ill just say it was Out of this world.

 

Out of this world, it may have been. But. Perception. It was not the same. I was ready for a storm with Lamar. But I didn’t see the storm coming with another storm. I would have pulled off anything with him. He was my life. My dream and reality. My everything. Of course we would have pulled through anything with him, But how prepared was I?

I wished I was better prepared. Not just with guns but I should have remembered to carry along my stick as well. I underestimated it. I wished. But then again, its just that. A wish.

A mirror.  I walked towards my mirror. When  I got near to catch a  glimpse of my view, Something happened. I don’t know what it was. Up to now I will never have any idea  how it happened. The mirror… It fell, from nowhere, and Broke. The mirror, into very tiny pieces it broke. I shook, My heart, more than that mirror, It broke, into very minute pieces. I looked, trembled and shed a tear at first. The reality didn’t make sense…I closed my eyes, opened it again, the mirror was still there. Broken. still. silent. I wailed and  cried. When reality hit, It all dawned on me. The mirror was still there. But broken. Tried to pick a  few pieces. I could still see myself. But, The reflection in the mirror was not the same….and never was it ever the same…

Lamar introduced me to his parents! How beautiful! What a heart melting experience that was for me? This was what people meant when they said dreams do come true.  I was over the moon. The reception from Lamars parents was quite humbling and i whispered to myself a quiet ‘Alhamdullilah’ which is simply giving back gratitude to God for all the blessings he showered upon me. I knew i was at the right place, with the right person and at the right time. Which of the favors of my lord would i have denied? None.

I was too excited and gave the feedback to mama and everyone at home. Went about with excitements telling how much Im sure of what I want and how  there was nothing we were waiting for and that the Nikkah should happen soon. Nikkah is a small ceremony In Islam  marking marriage. Oh what a good feeling it was  to be in love???

I regret ever holding Lamars diary that day. i regretted and wish I never did. Because what followed was a series of drama in our beautiful paradise. Dont get me wrong, our little paradise would sometimes run short of things like the water in the river would dry but then we would dig and dig until a stream formed again and we would go back to enjoying our little heaven. What im trying to say is that expectations of such were always there but we would always find a solution and smile again with everything we fixed. This, however was different. Remember my mirror? It was broken completely.

I waited and waited until I couldn’t really wait anymore. I cooked for Lamar. Constantly looking at my time. Looking at the door. When will he arrive? Doesn’t he know I’m missing him terribly? It had been a week and i was going crazy. Missed my Lamar. Everyone around me during that period must have gotten fed up with my constant whining of Lamar. But they never told me,until to date. But i suspect. Lol. Anyway I waited until I fell asleep on the Couch. I dint know how long I slept. But that didnt matter because when I woke up. Lamar was there!!!!!! what other thing mattered? Heck!! My rock was here! My system support! My heartbeat! The love of my life! Oh!!! I was floating in love!! I hugged him for quite a while. Sometimes not even believing he was there, I had missed this man! Did he even know? Oh we ate and had some catching up then off to bed we went! You should have known! Lamar completed my life! Nothing else mattered. He was going to be mine and I his until the rest of our lives! oh it was written in the stars!

Or so I thought……

dead end…

This is where i raise my hands up..its blurry its confusing..i cant see ahead, neither do i wanna know what lies ahead..I indulged and swam on it the first time, but if am writing this now it means it wasn’t tasty after all..with my eyes closed i stamp on whatever lays ahead. whether its grassy or greasy i deliberately choose the ignorant way. Instead of being surprised i choose to be suppressed. I know not all would chose this path but i want to be arrogantly unique. I sound foolish at this point but guess what thats not gonna swish me away because its okay. Let free voids be  filled with  the compatible. I am my own poison and could be insanely contagious. and this is why i’m keeping away. Keeping away for good. My pen is running empty and this is where i say ‘adios’

Those mornings…

Alright so I’m sure we all have those early morning issues….especially us, the ladies…mmm.hmm. Okay so quickly, lemmi take you through my morning today.

I wake up very early, earlier than usual, around 6.40 a.m. I’m all happy with my progress( I’m not a morning person at all) That achievement actually makes me all bubbly and excited thinking at least for once, i will be at work on time, or earlier. I kick the blankets off, ready for that revitalizing shower and the disappointment i encountered almost made me regret my unusual raise.

THE TAPS WERE EMPTY!!!!THERE WAS NO WATER!!!NO FREAKING WATER CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! It almost felt as if i was still in a dream…and i really wished it was one!

All that meant boiling water manually and another wait and i could swear it had started biting off on my happy mood. Fighting that negative energy, i try to creep back to my happy me mood. minutes later my water was done ,had that shower thinking it was all over but……the nightmare was yet to begin.

Straight from the shower to my closet… I see so many outfits…but again….i see nothing to wear. The everyday morning saga continues…”Babe i have nothing to wear” Well just a bit about this infamous line of mine, if it meant literally moving mountains so that my baby would never hear this line ever in his life, trust me he would have! lol

But, sad thing, this was true! i had nothing to wear! i ramage through the hung clothes, folded, messy piles( my closet is mostly messy BTW) i see nothing that i can wear. I throw clothes here and there hoping to find something that will please me but nothing!!! And this is where I’m  getting frustrated. Over half an hour and am still staring and hoping to find something but i get nothing!!! my mood shoots up to anger at this point! Boo comes to the room and i feel like its his fault that i cant get an outfit to wear and i get so angry at him loll( I’m sorry , love you though)

I finally pick something but i cant just get out of this mood that am in so i sit quietly in front of the dressing table and just stare at myself in the mirror . I then  do my make up swiftly and try to get ready and then boo comes in. “you look good”

Normally, I’m supposed to smile and say “thank you baby”  but this morning i don’t even want to hear his voice nor see his face because for some funny reason i blamed him for not finding something to wear loll I know its ridiculous but hey, excuse me I’m just a woman.

We leave for work and you can guess how awkward the first few minutes were…I start feeling guilty and no way am gonna have this after the series of mishaps this morning again  so i tried to iron things out and yaaay we hugged finally so yeah, peace was established and thats what really matters….So yeah, i got to work late as usual despite the lil effort i made but hey, lets see what tomorrow will bring!!